Friday, November 14, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
I guess I don't care about this blog
But i will update it anyway. Well it is October and close to Halloween! So, in honor of that, I will give the usual random ranting blog that may or may not have something scary in it (It probably won't).
The first part of today's entry will be on the economic crisis. Now I don't claim to know anything about economics, and I am fuzzy on what actually caused it, and what exactly all the repercussions of the bailout are because i usually lose interest when i realize i don't even have a bank account. Still, I am quite willing to offer a few tips on thrift. First of all, pawn all inessential goods.
Do you really need a dresser? I don't think you do. The money you can get for your dresser, you can easily buy some pieces of wood, a hammer, some nails, and still have money left over to buy a couple stocks or a bottle of liquor. That way even though you don't have a dresser you can build some shelves to keep your clothes, or if you're like me you can get wasted and play with a hammer and nails while your clothes sit in a giant pile on the floor which eventually will become a soft place on the floor to fall over on when you can no longer stand because you don't have a bed (you should pawn your bed too).
Also what the fuck, get rid of doors. Not the doors to the outside though that would be silly. But inside, it is your house you don't need to clutter up walkways with giant pieces of wood you are just going to move aside anyway. You can use the money to buy a gun to defend against the hordes of door-owning suckers who will be weaponless during the great revolution.
Pipes. High prices for metal are always pretty reliable. Some pipes may contain the ones worth a lot, who knows? Well, a lot of people but I'm not researching shit. An important thing to remember that you should not use your own pipes. Watch your neighbors. If they leave the door unlocked when they go out often that is practically an invitation for you to go get those pipes and sell them to...uh...pipesmiths. If you can't find any pipesmiths you can at least build a kick ass fort by nailing sheets (remember you bought that hammer and nails) to the pipes after reassembling them into a jungle-gym-like structure.
Another tip: some people are willing to pay huge amounts of money for the safe return of their children, spouses, etc. Hang around playgrounds and wait for a parent to go to the bathroom or turn away for a period of time to snatch up a child*. Leave a note (not in your own handwriting) that asks for a large number of unmarked bills in an indiscreet location (no cops) or they will never see their child again. You can use those pipes to make a makeshift cell for the child, and the liquor you got from the selling the dresser to keep the child relatively sedated. Note: Think of how funny a drunken toddler will be. Always watch out for ambushes or traps set during the tradeoff, bring your gun and possibly an accomplice you can trust to back you up in the event of a shoot-out with the police.
*With Halloween coming up, all you really have to do is wait for trick or treaters that are unaccompanied by adults.
Finally: Kill yourself. This is a big money saver because you will be dead.
P.S. Don't forget to vote, unless you have better things to do.
Disclaimer: The following was not to be taken seriously and this blog in no way condones kidnapping no matter how lucrative and easy it may be. Also, this blog does not suggest killing yourself....unless you thought about it long and hard and decided it's the best way to go. That is your business.
-Octopus tornado
The first part of today's entry will be on the economic crisis. Now I don't claim to know anything about economics, and I am fuzzy on what actually caused it, and what exactly all the repercussions of the bailout are because i usually lose interest when i realize i don't even have a bank account. Still, I am quite willing to offer a few tips on thrift. First of all, pawn all inessential goods.
Do you really need a dresser? I don't think you do. The money you can get for your dresser, you can easily buy some pieces of wood, a hammer, some nails, and still have money left over to buy a couple stocks or a bottle of liquor. That way even though you don't have a dresser you can build some shelves to keep your clothes, or if you're like me you can get wasted and play with a hammer and nails while your clothes sit in a giant pile on the floor which eventually will become a soft place on the floor to fall over on when you can no longer stand because you don't have a bed (you should pawn your bed too).
Also what the fuck, get rid of doors. Not the doors to the outside though that would be silly. But inside, it is your house you don't need to clutter up walkways with giant pieces of wood you are just going to move aside anyway. You can use the money to buy a gun to defend against the hordes of door-owning suckers who will be weaponless during the great revolution.
Pipes. High prices for metal are always pretty reliable. Some pipes may contain the ones worth a lot, who knows? Well, a lot of people but I'm not researching shit. An important thing to remember that you should not use your own pipes. Watch your neighbors. If they leave the door unlocked when they go out often that is practically an invitation for you to go get those pipes and sell them to...uh...pipesmiths. If you can't find any pipesmiths you can at least build a kick ass fort by nailing sheets (remember you bought that hammer and nails) to the pipes after reassembling them into a jungle-gym-like structure.
Another tip: some people are willing to pay huge amounts of money for the safe return of their children, spouses, etc. Hang around playgrounds and wait for a parent to go to the bathroom or turn away for a period of time to snatch up a child*. Leave a note (not in your own handwriting) that asks for a large number of unmarked bills in an indiscreet location (no cops) or they will never see their child again. You can use those pipes to make a makeshift cell for the child, and the liquor you got from the selling the dresser to keep the child relatively sedated. Note: Think of how funny a drunken toddler will be. Always watch out for ambushes or traps set during the tradeoff, bring your gun and possibly an accomplice you can trust to back you up in the event of a shoot-out with the police.
*With Halloween coming up, all you really have to do is wait for trick or treaters that are unaccompanied by adults.
Finally: Kill yourself. This is a big money saver because you will be dead.
P.S. Don't forget to vote, unless you have better things to do.
Disclaimer: The following was not to be taken seriously and this blog in no way condones kidnapping no matter how lucrative and easy it may be. Also, this blog does not suggest killing yourself....unless you thought about it long and hard and decided it's the best way to go. That is your business.
-Octopus tornado
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Been a month, huh?
So i started working a new job a couple of weeks ago.
It's factory work, so it's not too soul sucking, but every job is boring (unless you're an alligator wrangler).
Here are some things to think about at work to keep your mind occupied.
What would you do if all of your dead relatives walked up to you right now and said "It's time to go."?
no, really, what would you do? would you finish filling out that form? would you start screaming? Before leaving would you try to find your boss to let him know you wouldn't be in tomorrow?
Think about what your coworkers would do if you started projectile vomiting blood.
I actually used to think about this a lot in my senior english class. What would Ms. Harman do if i vomited blood and passed out. i liked to think it would piss her off to have to clean it up.
If you had a small magic box which when opened was instantly refilled with any food, what would it be?
I came up with this when i was really little and for most of my childhood the answer was the peanut butter filling in reeses cups. I'm not sure what it would be now. Maybe really good ravioli.
Try to invent a word that actually sounds like it could be a real word.
Tristaleun. a type of shortbread cookie. (i don't think that's already a word. mine now. consider it patented.)
Come up with ridiculous knock-knock jokes.
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
ASIANS!!!!
Ok, so that's what helps me get through the day, hopefully it will help you out too.
It's factory work, so it's not too soul sucking, but every job is boring (unless you're an alligator wrangler).
Here are some things to think about at work to keep your mind occupied.
What would you do if all of your dead relatives walked up to you right now and said "It's time to go."?
no, really, what would you do? would you finish filling out that form? would you start screaming? Before leaving would you try to find your boss to let him know you wouldn't be in tomorrow?
Think about what your coworkers would do if you started projectile vomiting blood.
I actually used to think about this a lot in my senior english class. What would Ms. Harman do if i vomited blood and passed out. i liked to think it would piss her off to have to clean it up.
If you had a small magic box which when opened was instantly refilled with any food, what would it be?
I came up with this when i was really little and for most of my childhood the answer was the peanut butter filling in reeses cups. I'm not sure what it would be now. Maybe really good ravioli.
Try to invent a word that actually sounds like it could be a real word.
Tristaleun. a type of shortbread cookie. (i don't think that's already a word. mine now. consider it patented.)
Come up with ridiculous knock-knock jokes.
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
ASIANS!!!!
Ok, so that's what helps me get through the day, hopefully it will help you out too.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
See! Advertising doesn't have to be soulless!!
Here are some pretty great Ads promoting saving the world.
Most of them are from WWF.
Anyway, here they are:
If we do not save the world we will turn into scary fish people.
Soldiers love naps in dirt.
Don't cut off elephants legs because it is supposed to be a secret that they are made of wood.
I have no witty comment to make about this bench.
Most of them are from WWF.
Anyway, here they are:
If we do not save the world we will turn into scary fish people.
Soldiers love naps in dirt.
Don't cut off elephants legs because it is supposed to be a secret that they are made of wood.
I have no witty comment to make about this bench.Thursday, August 21, 2008
Well then
It seems this blog has started to entropy in a tiny corner of the internet alone and forsaken. Well I will not let that happen.
Unfortunately that means i have to type about stuff, and most stuff isn't type worthy. Therefore I will pick something out of the hat (this is not a metaphor).
50% rayon. Huh. Rayon. How 'bout that? That's synthetic isn't it? No it is actually neither truly synthetic nor organic. Also, uh, it's easy to dye? And ummm...
OH FUCK THE OLYMPICS! That is something. I would never have remembered if i was not flipping channels right now. I have been following the Olympics about as closely as they should be followed which is of course just seeing how many medals each country has. On a scale from 1-pointless the Olympics is pretty far up there. Ya know what happens if a country win the Olympics?- they win the Olympics. That's about it. If the Georgians have an Olympic team, them beating Russia will show those darned Russians who is better at the backstroke and swordfighting and jumping over stuff, but the Russians will still be in their territory shootin stuff.
The Olympics does prove something on a larger scale though. Everyone loves tradition. No matter how ridiculous. Why it is not just the Greeks that are doing the Olympics is a question i am too lazy to research but i will just assume it has something to do with how much people love olives. or some kinda conspiracy. with olives. think about it, everyone uses olive oil.
Wait Greeks....Olives....Olive Oil....Olive Oyl...Popeye....the navy....Gay...The Olympics!
The Olympics are gay. In a derogatory sense not in a fag sense.
-Octopus Tornado
Unfortunately that means i have to type about stuff, and most stuff isn't type worthy. Therefore I will pick something out of the hat (this is not a metaphor).
50% rayon. Huh. Rayon. How 'bout that? That's synthetic isn't it? No it is actually neither truly synthetic nor organic. Also, uh, it's easy to dye? And ummm...
OH FUCK THE OLYMPICS! That is something. I would never have remembered if i was not flipping channels right now. I have been following the Olympics about as closely as they should be followed which is of course just seeing how many medals each country has. On a scale from 1-pointless the Olympics is pretty far up there. Ya know what happens if a country win the Olympics?- they win the Olympics. That's about it. If the Georgians have an Olympic team, them beating Russia will show those darned Russians who is better at the backstroke and swordfighting and jumping over stuff, but the Russians will still be in their territory shootin stuff.
The Olympics does prove something on a larger scale though. Everyone loves tradition. No matter how ridiculous. Why it is not just the Greeks that are doing the Olympics is a question i am too lazy to research but i will just assume it has something to do with how much people love olives. or some kinda conspiracy. with olives. think about it, everyone uses olive oil.
Wait Greeks....Olives....Olive Oil....Olive Oyl...Popeye....the navy....Gay...The Olympics!
The Olympics are gay. In a derogatory sense not in a fag sense.
-Octopus Tornado
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Lemme tell you sommuvembitches somthin
Bernie Mac is dead and also probably still funnier than you. Bernie Mac is a comedian i think deserves more attention. News of his death made me go back and rewatch the Kings of Comedy, and Bernie Mac's style is not only unique, it is almost hypnotizing. Granted I am bias. His favorite jokes were about my favorite things: sex and beating children.
Watching him perform, it does not feel like he is telling jokes. It feels like an angry black man has taken you as his confidant and is venting about how fucked up the world is. He just seems like a normal guy talking. Then you think, "He had to write this act." He did something most comedians dream of, instead of having to set up and tell jokes, he is just funny. The way riffing with your friends is funny.
And he joked about sex and beating children!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQBKnBAp5dE&feature=related
I would say rest in peace but that would not be his style.
It is sad but at least now I can have the mental image of Bernie Mac talking to Jesus, Alexander the Great, and Socrates saying "You don' understand! I ain't afraid of you mothafuckers!"
Actual funny this week...maybe
Watching him perform, it does not feel like he is telling jokes. It feels like an angry black man has taken you as his confidant and is venting about how fucked up the world is. He just seems like a normal guy talking. Then you think, "He had to write this act." He did something most comedians dream of, instead of having to set up and tell jokes, he is just funny. The way riffing with your friends is funny.
And he joked about sex and beating children!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQBKnBAp5dE&feature=related
I would say rest in peace but that would not be his style.
It is sad but at least now I can have the mental image of Bernie Mac talking to Jesus, Alexander the Great, and Socrates saying "You don' understand! I ain't afraid of you mothafuckers!"
Actual funny this week...maybe
Saturday, August 2, 2008
August a time for ummm
It has come to my attention that there is not much in the way of celebration in August. By "come to my attention," I mean, "I was bored and started watching the Tim Allen movie The Santa Clause and in between sobs of disgust thinking about holidays." Unless you celebrate National Swiss day which I am pretty sure not even the Swiss celebrate. It is possible no one cares to celebrate anything in August because it is hot as hell and most people would probably rather snort cat litter than hug certain sweaty relatives. It is also possible that it is because horrible things happen in August like dropping the nukes on Japan and the Germans discovering Anne Frank and the 2003 blackout.
August does have the distinction of being "national psoriasis awareness month". Ironically, I think the last thing people with psoriasis want is others to be aware of it. It is also "back to school month" and who doesn't love going back to school besides students, teachers, professors, principals, deans, and guidance counselors? Nerds love it though. Love it like they love science. So if you are the nerdy kid with scaly deformed skin, this is your month.
What I am saying is politicians are lazy. I know it is not easy to make new nat'l holidays, but they can always make up bullshit ones, ex: Women's History Month. Most bullshit holidays are tacked on to actual bills in Congress to please some constituent and since they are bullshit holidays everyone lets it pass, so why not give august something.
Suggestions:
Zebra appreciation day: zoos let zebras out of their cages and the children try to find/wrangle them back to the zoo.
Jet Ski Day: People with jet skis let other people borrow their jet skis because they get to use them all summer and some of us can't afford that kind of luxury so come on it is so fucking hot and jet skis are so fucking cool let me on you jerk.
Augustus: Something about Rome, it has August in the name. I don't know.
Name a holiday day: So I don't have to try to think of anymore of these.
Don't forget to celebrate Singapore's independence next week...i guess
Fuck you August
-Octopus Tornado
August does have the distinction of being "national psoriasis awareness month". Ironically, I think the last thing people with psoriasis want is others to be aware of it. It is also "back to school month" and who doesn't love going back to school besides students, teachers, professors, principals, deans, and guidance counselors? Nerds love it though. Love it like they love science. So if you are the nerdy kid with scaly deformed skin, this is your month.
What I am saying is politicians are lazy. I know it is not easy to make new nat'l holidays, but they can always make up bullshit ones, ex: Women's History Month. Most bullshit holidays are tacked on to actual bills in Congress to please some constituent and since they are bullshit holidays everyone lets it pass, so why not give august something.
Suggestions:
Zebra appreciation day: zoos let zebras out of their cages and the children try to find/wrangle them back to the zoo.
Jet Ski Day: People with jet skis let other people borrow their jet skis because they get to use them all summer and some of us can't afford that kind of luxury so come on it is so fucking hot and jet skis are so fucking cool let me on you jerk.
Augustus: Something about Rome, it has August in the name. I don't know.
Name a holiday day: So I don't have to try to think of anymore of these.
Don't forget to celebrate Singapore's independence next week...i guess
Fuck you August
-Octopus Tornado
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